Tonight I came home to an empty apartment. I have been sitting alone for the last couple of hours reading and listening to the noises of living in a metropolitan neighborhood. I don't recognize myself. Two years ago I lived in my brand new dream house - a 5800 square foot colonial on over an acre in upstate New York. A house my husband and I designed and built that was perfect for our 4 kids, adopted exchange students from around the world, and 2 dogs. But that was then and this is now.
I am a completely different person brought on by the intense desire to help my youngest daughter achieve her dreams. Yes, my talented actress, singer, dancer daughter was the sole reason I moved 3000 miles away from my husband and family, sold the dream house, and now rent a tiny 2 bedroom apartment that costs more than the mortgage payment of my big home in New York.
One of the things I continue to shake my head about is the fact that my husband is the crazy one. He is the one who is adventurous. He hiked all 46 Adirondack peaks with our oldest son, he traveled to Africa to climb Kilimanjaro with our oldest daughter, he went to China twice as a chaperone on school trips, he rode every roller coaster on the eastern seaboard with the kids - not me. I am the one that stayed home, and enjoyed it. He would occasionally ask me if I wanted to move around the country or even to South America - and I always said - NO WAY. You see, I was born and raised in the Northeast and there is no way that I would ever leave my parents, my family, or my friends. That was then.
I don't know what came over me. Who am I? I used to hate to be alone. I love my family and friends and I used to entertain all the time. Every Christmas we had close to 100 people come for our annual party. Lots of company would come visit, lots of backyard barbecues....that life is gone. Long gone.
Oh - and get this....I work a corporate job. For over 20 years I was self-employed and worked independently. I had a wonderful home office and worked when I wanted to work. Even my previous corporate job allowed me to work from home. Now I go to work at an office most days at 7:30 and work until 5:30-6:00. Who am I?
I arrived in Los Angeles with 2 large suitcases, 2 carry-ons, my 13 year old daughter and no GPS. We found our way in our tiny rental car to our first apartment, that I had only seen on Craigslist. I wanted to cry, but how could I when my 13 year old kept telling me "It's going to be okay, Mom. Just breathe." Yes, she actually said that to me several times when I realized I had forgotten to bring the GPS and was trying to figure out how to get out of LAX and find my way to Santa Monica. Did I tell you that she happens to be awesome? She certainly makes it easier for me on the days I think to myself - what have I done?
(Hiking in the Pacific Palisades)
So, who am I? Well, I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I am capable of being alone. I am capable of moving myself, capable of making big decisions alone, capable of sustaining a marriage that is 3000 miles apart (yeah, that's a biggie), capable of making some new friends, capable of living in a tiny space (without a gourmet kitchen), capable of starting a new career, capable of dreaming big, capable of figuring out this entertainment industry that makes no sense at all at times. Yes, that's the new me.
I don't recognize myself because I am not who I thought I was. I am so much better.
Lesson Learned: Take the time to appreciate that change can be good, and even great.
Be Great!
LeeAnne
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